I used to hate this picture so much. I mean I still don’t love it, but it makes proud to remember that I made a change. The girl in that picture is bloated, puffy and feels disgusting. I was trying to sleep until the very last minute and didn’t wake up in time to do anything with my hair. I was trying to convince myself to switch from drinking vodka to wine, you know, for my health. I want to hug her and tell her, hang in there, it gets so much better. And those three guys, are my everything.
I have had a couple people say to me, “I bet it wasn’t really that bad.” or “I bet when you are done with this you can just not drink as much as you did.” Here’s the deal. I tried those things. I really tried hard and more then once.
January 2017 (right after that picture), Mike and I did Dry January because we are good healthy citizens. Okay, I did it to pretend that if I didn’t drink for a month that would mean I was okay. Mike did it because he’s a good healthy citizen. When the month ended was when I felt that heart tug and I heard that voice that bosses me around and is always right. I knew if I drank again it would be bad. I knew it, but I didn’t listen.
That voice and those heart tugs are there to guide you. But you have to listen. It’s the tug that tells you to let go of the friend that only hurts you, to take the job that you’re scared of, or to open the spam mail that is going to change your life. You can call it God or the universe or your inner guide, but it is real. You don’t have to be a zenned out kundadali teacher in a white turban to tap into your voice. I am a mom that has on sweaty running clothes 75% of the time that has to ding the find-the-phone button on my watch 25 times a day because I can never find my stupid phone (I love you Siri).
To take your first step, you don’t have to be ready. You will never be ready.
Your God or your voice will keep pushing until you find your path. But life is easier if you just listen the first time. I knew the second that I clicked on the Hip Sobriety website that it was YES. That this was my way back to myself.
Part of that voice for me is this blog. I know some people will think it’s stupid or embarrassing. I don’t even know if anyone will even read it and I don’t really care. I knew the first week of school that I had to share. This was still when I was telling myself that this might just be a cleanse because let’s get real, forever is, well forever. Even then my heart knew but my mind wasn’t clear enough to hear.
I am not special or enlightened or any of those things, but I am forcing myself to get quiet enough to be guided. I just know I’m screwed up enough to ask for help and seek out guidance.
You can do it. I know you can, you can do the hard thing. You can forgive, you can love, you can let go and you can find a tribe that has your back the whole way. I love you my Hipsters that have carried me for the last 65 days.